She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
