A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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