I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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