just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
