I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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