Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
