Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Randomize
