So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
