you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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