I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Randomize
