I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
