You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
