the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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