My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I just googled if crying burns calories
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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