Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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