guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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