Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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