Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize
