I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
dude. I can hear the air.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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