I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Randomize
