someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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