she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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