have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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