I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
