I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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