Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
