I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
