So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
