Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
