you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
