your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
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