i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
