Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
