Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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