So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
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