Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
