erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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