mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
