Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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