I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
