Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Randomize
