My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
