The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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