I wish I could teleport
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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