why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize