i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
