If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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