You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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