Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
