so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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