I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Everclear isn't food dammit
Randomize
