i need an iv and a liver transplant
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
