sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
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