Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Soap is not a condiment
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
im six kinds of drunk right now
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Randomize
