I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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