so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
