I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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