You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
