How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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