I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
