I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
