Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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