That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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